Science Guide

I can't remember how I missed this when it was released, but I haven't laughed so hard since watching Turbulence. This movie honestly gets better the more you drink, but even sober the DVD artwork gives you some idea of the preposterous 90 minutes you're about to embark upon.

Did you say Morgan Freeman?

Indeed, Morgan Freeman - who plays a black President in Deep Impact more convincingly than Dennis Haysbert in 24 or Barack Obama in real life- and Rachel Weisz, who ain't half bad most of the time - both show that embarrassment doesn't bother them at all. Even Brian Cox, usually a barometer for excellence, joins in the fun to make Keanu Reeves look at least average compared to the rest of the cast. Holy crap, I think I might just love this film for the sheer hoky shitness of it all!

So this is where Rachel Weisz gets to practice her ditzy, British 'gosh' character you saw in The Mummy, and 'gosh' does it suck badly. I've never seen such a lack of chemistry between a leading man and lady before, and although I hear that Keanu prefers the chocolate passage to the shaven haven, I did at least believe in the romantic relationship he had with a female in The Matrix (well, kind of). Brian Cox attempts some really fucked-up and weird Southern Accent, that veers between Irish, Scottish, English, Sarah Palin and Georgia. It was mesmerizing, really. And even Morgan Freeman's nondescript distinguished black man routine falls flat, probably for the first time ever.

But what's atrocious acting without dire dialog?

Great question! Did I mention that Josh Friedman wrote some of this, presumably before he decided to trash Jim Cameron's vision in the Terminator Chronicles? Well you're unlikely to find more rip-roaring dialog in any other film. Apologies for ripping off the quote section in IMDB here, but I really wanted to get the quotes right - you just can't make this shit up!

• Morgan Freeman to the bad guy: "I wish you wouldn't threaten to kill my scientists right to their faces!"
• Rachel Weisz: So, is this how you seduce all the girls?
  Keanu: Only physicists with hypothermia who are accused of being a terrorist.

Just genius! And then who can forget the classic exchange when Keanu gets to the observatory and meets an old friend. She says, all serious, "Tell me you didn't do it, Eddie." Keanu stares back, mustering at least as much emotion as he did in the final scene of Point Break, and declares solemnly, "I didn't do it."

But Keanu's deadpan delivery in the observatory scene is a thing of Oscar nominations compared to the Senator's indignation at the committee hearing scene. "What did you do with the billions of dollars we gave you?" may well be quite possibly the worst dialogue - and delivery - I've ever heard or seen on film. I was waiting for Morgan to pipe back with "It's cheaper than the fucking banking bailout!".

And another great one between the FBI agent and Morgan Freeman:

• FBI: "Your Dr. Chen is missing. Any idea where he might be?"
  Morgan: "He may be dead."

So many holes, the plot is a net (but not "The Net").

For a film whose major premise rests on physics, you'd think the screenwriters would have a checked a few things - I don't need much plausibility in my Hollywood fluff, but sheer insanity doesn't work. Let enjoy a few together:

• Keanu and crew at the beginning are working for bad guys, unbeknown to them. The bad guys make their own lives difficult by killing the benevolent lead scientist and blowing up the facility (destroying 8 blocks of Chicago) for absolutely no good reason or gain. They could have just done nothing and used the good guys' hard work without any trouble whatsoever.
• The hydrogen-creation discovery is caused by Keanu discovering a sound frequency which makes the hydrogen and oxygen split in the water. This has a shitload of problems:
  • When he's the only person who knows the frequency, the bad guys fail to simply test every frequency (which would be much faster than tracking him down).
  • When the system explodes, it causes an atomic-style thermo-nuclear meltdown, rather than the simple explosion you'd actually get. That's why you can buy hydrogen cyclinders but not uranium, in case you wondered.
  • When Keanu breaks the system at the end, if the bad guys just shot the tank of water, it would shut down the reaction. Instead, a $500 billion facility gets destroyed.
• The bad guys magically show up at a house that Keanu and Rachel have broken into, even though they have no idea they would be there. At all.

There are simply so many of these, it's fair to say the whole thing makes no sense at all. I strongly recommend you add this to your Netflix queue, get a few friends around, a few beers, and lose some IQ points.